Where Did My Abs Go?

Me to my teenage daughter:  "Maybe I should start doing that ab workout with you."
Teenage Daughter: "But first you have to do fat burning exercise to get rid of the fat on your belly."

Hmmmm.  She wasn't trying to be rude.  She was stating a fact.  In order for muscle definition to be seen, you do have to have a lean body.  I laughed and explained that my muscles are there, underneath all my softness and extra skin, and honestly I am okay with it.

This got me thinking.  How come I am okay with this?  years ago this kind of conversation would of left me embarrassed.  Self-loathing.  Obsession would have taken over my days, hours and minutes.  Those days are mostly long gone.  This doesn't mean that I don't think about my body or sometimes have moments when I am full of discomfort and dislike for this or that.  But mostly, I don't really think about it much.  I have come a long way from the girl who binged and purged.  The girl who would spend 2-3hrs/day working out.  The girl who would wake up and go to bed with thoughts of how to avoid food.  These things were all part of my life for years, basically until I decided I wanted to become a mom.  At that point  I decided  to start seeing a nutritionist and therapist.  I went weekly while in my last term of my education degree.  It was a turning point in my life.  I wanted to leave it all behind before starting a new chapter.

Wow! Is it really that easy?  No, it's not.  It's work.  It's new learning.  It's pushing your ability to accept certain things little by little.   It's ongoing, even now there are days I have to check myself, remind myself, do positive self talk, but there is fewer of these moments and I have the skills to keep that feeling to a day, rather than seep back into my daily life.  I think when I was finally coming out of that place and learning new habits, the thing that struck me the most was the amount of time I had put it no planning my days around food and working out.  It was my number one priority on the inside, and it was making me miss on just living in the moment.  Once I was able to see that, I couldn't un-see, un-know how much of my life and energy I wasted away to my obsession.  As years went on, it continued to be less and less important to me, especially since becoming a mother, feeling confident in other avenues of my life such as my relationships, my career, my own self-worth. 

Over the years, I have learned to appreciate my body more and more.  It's strong.  It can learn to do so many new things.  It's provided a safe space for two humans to thrive and then it has brought them to life.  Although there are days that I am just uncomfortable in my own skin, and don't like the feeling of being bloated, I do embrace and celebrate my body.  I  still wear a bikini but I also have a one piece when I just don't feel comfortable a two piece.  I have tight fitting outfits, as well as baggy sweatshirts and loose joggers.  I lean it to the good and the less good, but overall mt good days are 95% and my bad moments and feelings are only 5%.  I still exercise but a healthy amount.  It's good for keeping my anxieties and tendencies in check.  I don't over exercise, and I tend to switch things up so that I can't become compulsive about my routines.  If I miss a day, I am okay.  I have explored various types of exercise options and over the years have become much more relaxed about how I move my body.

So I may not be able to see my abs on the outside, but they are there pushing me forward with every running step I take.  Every time I get up on the wake board, or snowboard, they engage and support.  So even tough I'll never have a six pack,  it's really not important to me anymore.  I want something completely different at this point in my life.  I want to feel happy where I am.  I want to treat and use my body for longevity.  I want to appreciate it and care for it and also except as it's changes with age.  So even though you can't seem my abs, I sure hope you can see and feel my confidence and appreciation for this body, my body.

****This is a snippet of my own journey and it is in no way the journey others have had or the battles that they had to deal with.  I am not an expert or claim to be in terms of body image, or disorders.  This is simply me sharing a little piece of my personal self-growth.